Starting something new is always exciting – and a little bit nerve-wracking.
Starting a new job, however, can be more than a little bit nerve-wracking – especially if you have a bad first day.
It can be so stressful that it makes you question your decision to accept the job, the future of your career and every life decision you’ve made up until this point, including your choice of toast or cereal for breakfast.
If you want your new hires to go through this pain, here’s how to give them the absolute worst first day possible for their new job.
Step 1: Don’t tell anyone the new hire is starting
Don’t make a big fuss – just let the new hire come in and start asking around. It shows initiative! Plus, your current employees won’t be distracted from their regular duties.
Step 2: Don’t give them a desk, computer or
systems access
C’mon, it’s the first day – you can’t be expected to get everything ready in time for a pre-determined start date you agreed to weeks ago!
Besides, the new hire will enjoy waiting around in the hallway, as it will give them the perfect opportunity to meet the team (whilst they’re trying to walk past).
Step 3: Skip the introductions
That’s right – why should you have to introduce your new hire to the rest of the team? They can just introduce themselves and find out whether they’re talking to people in their department or team by trial and error.
Think of it like a fun ice-breaker.
Step 4: Give them a pile of paperwork
Everyone loves paperwork. Handwriting your own name and address multiple times is extremely therapeutic.
Sure, it may kill their excitement about starting a new job, and it’s not exactly productive work, but it’s better they get used to the harsh realities sooner rather than later!
Step 5: Leave them to their own device
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More than anything, new employees want to be left alone.
Don’t burden them with “onboarding programs” or “training”. Let them Google their new role and company (on their mobile, of course – you won’t have provided them with internet access or a computer yet).
Step 6: If you receive any questions or complaints, defer, defer, defer
Sometimes, even the most polite new hire will inform you that they’re not getting very far in their first day. Rather than try and rectify any of the above issues (perhaps by giving them a buddy, running proper introductions, scheduling some training, getting IT, Security and Payroll to provision their access, tools and equipment, processing their paperwork online to reduce the time they waste handwriting forms), just tell them you’ll sort it out later.
After all, top talent isn’t going to just leave and accept a job elsewhere, joining the other 33% of new hires who leave in their first 6 months. Are they?
If you’d like to provide a less horrible first day for your new hires, check out our free employee onboarding checklist.